Loneliness Is Expensive
Season 4, #3: And not very fun. A dash of Daytalking turns that around
Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone wonāt either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.
āLouise Erdrich, The Painted Drum
DAYTALKING FEELS IMPOSSIBLE THESE days, no doubt.
So, you might be asking, what the heck is āDaytalkingā?
Oh, thatās easy to define but damn hard to getāand, much less, keep. Itās connected to relationshipsājust like human interaction and restaurant meals are doing for me post-pandemic (more on that in a sec). You see, Daytalking was something Iād stumbled across after Iād written a post to my old WordPress blog called āUp on the Roof.ā (You can go check it out if youād like to read it first and then stop back here. Iāll wait.)
It was a distinct feature of my young life but I wasnāt alone in expressing it. All my closest friends (and some lovers) understood its weight and power (and not ironically its levity) when we were Daytalking.
So is Daytalking just āconversationā?
Well, itās more than that, actually. In truth, it often doesnāt involve words at all. Distilled down, itās a sense of ābeing-togetherness.ā Thereās a deep joy in that feeling, a gratitude for the silent exchange of energy, and, well, a good dose of humor.
Yup ā¦ goofing around is a big part of Daytalking.
Since the pandemic, Iāve been 100% remote with working, which has kept me solvent, but Iām going a bit stir-crazy. I miss people. Iāve nearly forgotten the joys of chatter and conversation, of play and interaction. Iām home around the clock, soā¦I get out as much as I can. I have meals in restaurants, which unfortunately has become expensive. Itās not so much the food and drink (although there is that) but the genial noise of the patrons, the chats with servers and bartenders, the catching up with local news and where everyone is at. Itās the dopamine hit of social interaction that Iām actually gettingāall from going out.
Not everyone understands the pleasures of Daytalking. Still, some do.
While reading drummer Phil Lancasterās memoir about his early touring life with David Bowie (at the time he knew him, Davy Jones), I was taken aback (but not entirely surprised) that Phil and David like to do their own form of Daytalking.
Lancaster recounts their humorous exchanges in his book At the Birth of Bowie: Life with the Man Who Became a Legend (John Blake Publishing, 2019):
Humour was and remained to be, as far as I could tell, a big part of [David Bowieās] make-up. It certainly is that way for me. A sense of humour, especially if youāre like-minded, is a great way of getting on with people. Dave was always quick to laugh and that could be infectiousā¦
Once, Dave and I made up a languageāone with absolutely no rules, just complete gibberish, and pretended to hold a conversation in which each of us understood the otherā¦ āI went down the dellā (spoken in a silly, warbly voice) was one of Davidās favourite recurring lines when we were acting out as kids. Long journeys could take on daft themes like this to pass the time. And we did a lot of travelling.
On reflection, Iām pretty sure some of this daft made-up language came from Tony Newleyās Gurney Slade, a rather surreal TV character that Newley himself devised. The Strange World of Gurney Slade [see clip in notes below], as it was called, was a terrific series broadcast around 1960. It made a big impression on me, mainly because it was so unusual, so out there. It was actually a bit too advanced for its time, as it confused most who watched it, but I loved it and I know David did too. Itās sad that itās kind of forgotten in TV history now, but you can be sure that most of the Pythons, for example, were in part inspired by this series.
Lancaster goes on to mention other inspirations for the Daytalking he and David Bowie enjoyed, including Peter Cook and Dudley Mooreās Not Only ā¦ But Also TV series where Cook would attempt to make Moore break out of character and laugh. Lancaster recalls the rejuvenating rush that he and Bowie got when they tried to mimic that style:
Dave and I certainly did our best to create the same vibe in our own little world, as we flitted from town to town in the night. We often had adrenalin to spare while returning home from our latest ballroom engagement, and acting like Bill and Ben or Pete and Dud helped us to wind down. We should have called it The Strange World of Phil and Dave (Phil and Dave sounding a bit like Pete and DudāIām not trying to grab star billing here). I wish we had recorded some of these comedy moments. When Dave started to laugh it was totally infectious. He could set the whole ambulance off when he got going, and there were times when our uncontrolled laughter would physically hurt too. They were some of the best times we had.
So, you see? Daytalking can physically hurt you but youāll still feel better for doing it.
When I found Gurney Slade on YouTube, I was pleased to see in Episode 1 probably the very ānonsenseā Phil and Dave engaged in. I can almost hear it now, with Bowieās opening salvo: āI went down the dell!ā and Lancasterās probable follow-up: āDid you now? Whatcha see there?ā āThere I encountered a minkey.ā āA minkey? Surely you mean monkey!ā āNo, ātwas a minkey since I hadnāt a hanky to spare!ā
Who knows what they said, but the resulting convulsion by laughter and the pure emotional release is what Daytalking represents in real life.
Looking at my own situationāright here, right nowāIām feeling anxiety as I write this since my mind is jumping ahead to getting out and about in the world. It helps to have a plan, so this might be a good time to try an experiment. Ahead of what Iām about to do (visit some artistsā open house this afternoon and have lunch out) Iām also returning some DVDs and CDs to the local library and I intend to ask about their community education programs while Iām there (my library has an excellent media section and is attached to the neighborhood community center). If successful, Iāll get a class schedule and see if they have a membership fee (most community centers in the Upper Midwest do not, but they do charge for classes).
This, I hope, does twoāwait, noāthree things: 1) it gets me outside of my quiet and lonely apartment; 2) I can learn about taking a physical exercise course, pickleball, or other activity where I move my body and meet new people; and 3) get curious about local artistsā workāalso meeting new people and learning what theyāre into.
That seems like a solid plan and not particularly expensive (except for lunch out), and even if all doesnāt go well Iāll report back here and share what Iāve learned.
Meanwhile, enjoy the videos below and check out Gentle Creativeās newsletter on the idea of Chronic Play. I found it timely just as I was getting ready to send out this newsletter (Caliās bullet point on āHave mini-adventures. It might not be possible to take a lot of time off but maybe a day or half-day trip to somewhere youāve always wanted to visit,ā really resonated with a newsletter I sent two years ago, about Fascination Excursions):
Notes
The Strange World of Gurney Slade clip:
Moore, Sellers, and Cook clip:
Thanks Pam. Iām sure this is not the world any of us signed up for. It needs to be mentioned more often. That isnāt easy, I get it. Appreciate the encouragement.
Iām happy you are going to stop by your local library. I was going to ask! I happen work in one. While I offer story times for littles, we offer adult programs too. From crafting to poetry to ESL. there is Much talk about libraries being a āthird placeā ~a much needed gathering and connection place for the community. Part of my service and job as I see it is to chit chat with customers, Some of whom Iāve come to think of as friends. I know their lives. Sometimes they even remember & ask me about mine. I may be the only live human some of my folks, particularly the older ones, may talk to all day.