Close, But No Cigar
Daytalking, at its best, includes setting boundaries
Relationships are tricky.
Among new people especially. Sometimes, even, between old friends.
The pandemic has decidedly ended many relationships, either through death, estrangement (aka neglect), or outright rancor. I’ve never seen anything like it in my entire life. And I don’t like it at all.
I can’t will people into my life. I can’t force conversation. Friends aren’t like sea monkeys, where you just add water and hope they grow into sustainable relationships. But I can invite it and make myself available—yet, still, people need to understand that availability is fluid—sometimes to the point of severing connections altogether.
Sometimes a wall needs to go up.
That wall is a boundary. It says: “You shall not pass beyond this point.”
I’ve had to do that, especially with some old friends. I do it with a great deal of sadness, but also a big dollop of realism: fair-weather friends and withering, dismissive critics are no longer allowed in my circle. I’m firm on this. I’ve witnessed the behavior and, while it seemed to pass for cordial relationships in the past—I’m done.
Done, done, done.
It’s in the shitcan. Kaput.
Daytalking should be a free exchange—not a range war. It’s playful and curious. If I’m a good friend I will ask questions and welcome your thoughts with me. If I gather the mere whiff of condescension and rancor, guess what—you’re toast.
Grrrrrr.
But I digress.
All this was better said on Medium, so I’ll share that post with my Substack friends here (hit the link in the caption below, obviously):
I’m sort of proud of that post in that it covers my frustration with social media while still hoping we can bridge the communication gaps in this new media.
I don’t know—yet. It all feels so…tentative.
However I’ve also decided to link this post to a forthcoming post on Medium in the hopes the 1,500 followers I have there (seems excessive, I know) decide to come over here to Substack. (I think a 2% transfer is conservative, but given the world we’re in, I’ll take 1%. Five percent and I’m to the moon happy.)
But back to communication. I think the Medium piece says it best:
“To me, talking on the phone is an exercise in further isolation, distance, dislocation. It’s the norm. Quick calls, texts, and emails are the fast food of conversation.”
Texts, social media DMs and emails—is now the “Burger King diet” of convo. I still stand behind that assessment. I further agree “a strict diet of that is gonna eat you alive.” Slowly or quickly, it’s going to chisel away at your ability to enter into what used to be known as “conversation.” I’ve been feeling the pinch myself.
So, how to make Daytalking a thing? How can we get away from “distance communication”?
I propose more in-person events (if humanly possible)—you know, get-togethers, parties, meals, happy hours, anything that promotes quality human face-time.
More phone conversations that have agendas, so they stay on track but also allow room for roaming and maybe slightly diverting talk. Roaming is important. Roaming leads to surprises. And surprises are fun.
Vulnerability, honesty, the hard stuff. Good questions are the salt that make the hearty stew of honest relationships.
Yeah, it’s gonna be difficult to claw our way back to being humans who communicate with all the above. But we gotta try, right?
Back to boundaries. These are important, more than ever. I’m reminded of a new friend back in the early 2000s who was introduced to me through another friend and he “seemed to know me” when we had our first chat. I felt he was too eager, but I was determined to listen and hear him out. I don’t think he knew what he needed from me; maybe it was where I was career-wise at that point. I’m guessing it was. But I didn’t assume that. I just listened and asked questions, as I like to do (truly).
In the end, I had to draw a boundary and that was that. Relationships are give and take. If you’re not getting what you need, then you instinctively need to know that. If someone is taking but not giving, you need to call that out. Again: boundaries.
I’m not perfect at it, but I’ve lived long enough to see how it has (or hasn’t) worked for me (and those I’m friends with). I’d like to make new friends. That’s important to me. And maybe, down the road, I can return to my old friends.
But, I think, that’s going to take some time.